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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Depression

I'm not sure if it's my lifestyle, or my meds, or the seizures doing something funky in my brain, or some of the recent events in my life that have me down occasionally, or a combination of everything, or something I haven't even thought of... but for some reason I'm having very strange, yet almost scheduled bouts of depression.

It seems that every day I wake up completely depressed. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to go to work, I don't even feel like eating a lot of times. When I get to work I have to try not to punch everyone in sight, I have to walk out several times to just get some air and try to control my feelings, I have to fight the urge to just scream out all of my frustrations. It was so bad the other day, that I literally walked out of my office, sat down in a chair in the building's common area, and cried while texting someone to try to get myself back to "normal".

Then around lunch time I start to perk up. I start getting a small amount of positivity flowing in. I start feeling "normal", and start hating everyone around me slightly less. Then in the afternoon/evening I tend to get excited, happy, energetic, friendly... all kinds of good things.

The day that I cried in the lobby - I left work that night excited about some new ideas with my "top secret app", almost jumping off the ground with joy. I was glowing with happiness, it seemed as if nobody could do any wrong to me. I talked to my brother about some ideas, and getting a business started, and icon/logo ideas, and everything went from worst day ever to sunshine and rainbows in roughly 6 hours or so.

It's almost like I'm bi-polar, but instead of the switch being immediate it takes an entire day to flip-flop from sad to happy. I don't know if it's just that I despise going into work SO much that I put myself into this state of depression, or if its one or both of the meds doing something weird, or if it's something else.

I see my neurologist next Wednesday to talk about the meds and where to go next - increase the Lamictal or try something new, since I'm still having seizures. I plan on talking to him about this too, to figure out if it's possible that the meds are causing this. I feel like it is possible, but I also don't think that I'll know for sure until I either change my lifestyle/job or change the meds. Right now it's just a fight to not do something stupid every morning.

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