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Friday, May 23, 2014

More medicine changes

689 days ago - July 3rd 2012 - I had my first ever (recognized) partial seizure. Soon after that my doctor and I started messing with my meds. Here we are, almost 2 years later, still making changes.

Almost about a year ago I went to my doctor telling him that I was having horrible emotional side effects from the Keppra that he put me on and said that I would like to try Lamictal instead, since that was the other medicine that he recommended. So I, very slowly, started taking Lamictal and building up to an acceptable level. 3 blood tests and 4 months later, I got to that acceptable level.

As we were doing the change he told me to try being on both for a while as Lamictal often offsets the side effects of Keppra. So I did. I tried it for a while and still felt off. I was more tired than normal and had problems thinking clearly - as I noticed about Tegretol after coming off of it. Exactly 1 month after starting the full dosage, he changed the way I take the medicine - from 1 Lamical in the morning and 1 at night (1x1) and 1x1 with Keppra, to .5x1.5 Lamictal and 1x1 Keppra.

Changing the dosing times made me feel more of the emotional effects that I had felt prior, so a few months into that dosage I switch myself to 1x1 Lamictal and .5x1.5 Keppra. The emotional side effects lessened, but they were/are still there.

We had set an appointment to talk today, at which I explained my situation - I changed my dosage again, and am still having seizure, but much less often (I'm at 23 days right now, which is near a record for 2014.) He mentioned trying to come off the Keppra and possibly trying Vimpat - or not adding Vimpat and just coming off of the Keppra. I agreed, stating that the reason that I went on the Lamictal was to come off of the Keppra, but I would rather not add anything else quite yet. I had actually thought about this while driving to the appointment... what is the next step?

So that's our current plan - I'm lessening the Keppra, v e r y    s l o w l y. lowering by a half pill per day at one month intervals (.5x1 today, .5x.5 in 1 month, etc.) As always, this is a bit scary and a bit exciting. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of the side effects but, as I did when coming off of the Tegretol, I'm a bit scared of having more seizures, or starting to have Tonic Clonic seizures again. The other problem is that this is, once again, a 4-month process, so I won't really know the outcome for quite some time.

I'll try to keep you all posted.

Monday, May 19, 2014


Everyone makes mistakes. It's a fact of life. Most people learn from those mistakes. They analyse the results of those mistakes, and change the outcome of similar situations that may occur in the future.

Generally, I am one of the best people around when it comes to this cycle of making mistakes, learning, and changing. But there is one place in my life that I have always failed to correct my mistakes. One thing that I've continually failed to change my behavior based on the outcome of previous encounters, and recently I have been thinking about one particular failure to adapt. I've had many chances to correct my mistake, and each time I just continued as if nothing had changed. But things do change, and sometimes you are given multiple chances for a reason. Unfortunately, those chances eventually stop coming, and that is when you truly recognize the consequences of your decisions.

My chances to correct my mistakes are finally coming to an end, and I don't know what to think about it. I am seeing things as they could have been, and am second guessing my actions every day. All along people told me that I was being stupid, and asking "why?" (or more like "why not?") and I never listened. I never had a good answer to "why?" and that should have been a clue to me that I was just being stupid, being stubborn. I've tried, so many times, to tell myself that I had a reason for my decision (or indecision, as it may be.) I always had a reason, but never a good reason. Now that I've run out of reasons, I don't know what to do except to accept things as they are and try not to let it get to me too much. I can't change things now, so even though I've run out of bad reasons to continue to make a bad decision, I guess it's time to just sit back and watch the party.

I know that people tend to hate ambiguous posts, and that some people think that it's a cry for attention. Truth is, I just need to get some things off of my chest. A lot of you have no idea what this post means, or what it refers to, but some of the people who are closest to me will understand. There is at least one person who will likely read this and will understand, and that person is the one who needs to understand, because that person never did understand my indecisiveness. Now I guess I'm the one who doesn't understand myself.

The great white buffalo.