Falling Apart

You ever been in a rut where everything seems to suck?

Your job sucks, you're in debt like crazy, you can't even afford to do anything fun, most of your hobbies have fallen by the wayside for whatever reason, etc. etc.

That's kinda where I've been for a while. I haven't enjoyed this job since probably the first couple weeks. I'm actually negative financially every month since I've started this job, except this month (because I went a week without buying food or anything else while I was at camp.) I haven't been to a cheer practice, as a coach or a cheerleader, in so long that I can't even give much of a time line (less than a year, but not by much.) I've been having seizures after being almost 8 years seizure free, and I'm now in my second med switch in a year to try to control them. (Hopefully this switch will work out better for me.) I haven't talked to most of my friends in months - partly because I'm busy with my Android development, partly because of my off-kilter work schedule, and partly because I just didn't make the effort.

But the thing is, I didn't care. Yes, I complained about my job - I'd probably go crazy if I didn't vent to someone. I blogged about my seizures - but more to inform and educate others of my situation than complaining. And I have had to cut back in a lot of areas to keep my budget as close to the green as possible. But I didn't care about any of that because there was still one thing that was good in my life. One thing that made me forget about all of that. One thing that could make all of my worries disappear in the blink of an eye.

But that thing was not just a thing, it was a person. A person that I loved, a person that I still love very much despite her recent actions. A person who I don't think I could ever let go of... and that's the hard part. I know that I need to let go right now, even if only temporarily - until I get back to "normal". I know that I need to stop talking to her until my wounds are healed. I know that I need to try not to even THINK about her for at least a few weeks.

But all of that is obviously easier said than done. I think about her immediately as I wake up in the morning. I think about her when I'm watching movies by myself instead of with her. I think about her when I see all of this football news, knowing that she won't be with me to watch the games this year. I think about her when I take my meds, because I have been talking to her about her experiences with this medicine... I think about her constantly throughout the day. And then I think about her one last time while I'm laying in bed, and I debate sending her an emoticon kiss before I fall asleep - even though I know that it will no longer be appreciated the way that it was before.


So what do I do now? Well, the only thing that I can think of is trying to focus on the next best thing in my life... my increasing fitness level. Focus on my workouts and my diet, and try to think of the bad things while working out so that I can release all of that negative energy. The hard part is that I have to try not to think about that one good thing - the one good thing that I hope will come around and become a good thing once again.