My Brain

WARNING: This is a LONG one, so be prepared!

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I do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my seizures - what causes them? How do I stop them? Will these meds work? What are they doing to me that I don't know about?


Background Information

But that's not all that I think about. Some of the people who have been closest to me recently know that there is something special about me. I study EVERYTHING. And I don't mean like studying in school. I don't pick up a book and read about things, I don't peruse the internet looking for random information. I see details that most people miss. I pay attention to things that others don't even know exist. And I think that's why I have never actually had to study in school. I see these details, and I analyze them over time.

I have told this to some people, because I can often read people better than they could ever imagine. I watch body language, I listen to voice fluctuations, I pay attention to breathing rates, I see eye movements... I notice everything. The craziest part? I don't try to do any of this, it just happens.

I don't always even realize what I've seen, heard, or felt, until later when I've had a chance to analyze the data that I've collected. And even this analysis is not usually done consciously. I will be sitting here at my computer and suddenly realize "Hey, when I said that her eyes opened slightly wider" or something similarly trivial. Or at least it would be trivial to anyone else. I collect this data, analyze it, and figure out what it means - all without any conscious effort. I realize over time that I've seen that eye movement before, and figure out that it means that she was scared, or that she was amazed, or whatever. Each small detail means something different, and I figure all of that out.

And I do the same with everything, everywhere. Some driving examples - I analyze traffic lights that I'm sitting at, I figure out the optimal speed to approach a turn, I watch the patterns of drivers on the road and know when it's safe to pass them, I can tell an unmarked cop car from the moment I see it (don't ask me how. I haven't actually figured that one out yet, I just know.)

My mind is an amazing thing, and I'm not just saying that because this is me that I'm talking about. Some people would see this behavior as over analytic, or possibly even crazy, or deranged. Personally, I see it as genius. The only problem is that I have an overwhelming knowledge of all sorts of random crap, and I can't seem to gain a mass of knowledge about 1 particular subject. As most of you know I am very into computers, but I still see myself as a novice in comparison to many others in my field. I know bits and pieces about all the different parts of a computer, but I can't even focus that one field into one specialty in the field. Part of this is because I can't focus on one thing. I'm too busy analyzing everything... but I can't stop it, it just happens.


Seizures

So why am I talking about this? Well I've had many theories about my seizures, and this is one that I've held for a long time. It is widely accepted that seizures are caused by an over-activity in the brain, and I think that me pulling in all of this information is causing an overload in my brain.

I bring in so much information that I'm not always able to process it as quickly as it arrives, and that causes the over-stimulation and therefore causes a seizure.

What kind of information leads me to this conclusion? Well, as far as I can tell, the two biggest triggers of my seizures are stress and fatigue. Not fatigue like after a workout, not fatigue like I just got done with a quick sprint, fatigue that affect my body and mind so much that I can barely move or think.

And what about the stress? I seem to have seizures when I'm focused too intently on one thing, and not processing the other information that is flowing in at the same time. When I get overly stressed, I tend to stagnate on whatever it is that I'm stressed about, and can't think about anything else.

Monday when I had the partial seizure, it started while driving home from a talk with someone who means a lot to me. Someone who I am trying desperately to cling on to some semblance of a relationship with, be it friendship or whatever. I was so focused on the talk, on what I could do to make the situation better, what I had done to get the situation to its current point, where did I go wrong?... but none of that really flowed through my mind as quickly as it should have. It was like a clog in the sink, it was stuck there. Other things were flowing through, but very slowly. I think this created a build-up of sorts and created an overwhelming demand on my brain that just could be met, and the sink overflowed.

This same thing actually happened with my last tonic-clonic seizure, over 8 years ago. I had just broken up with a girlfriend a couple months earlier, and was starting something new with another girl. I had an argument with the "new" girl, and came home to an online conversation with the ex. My mind was so focused on this situation... how do I fix things with both of them? How do I keep a friendship with the ex and still have a meaningful relationship? Why is she sending me this message online? Why does it have to be right after this argument?
It was such a build-up that I couldn't think about anything else, and I started into a seizure.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming these seizures on anyone else. (At least 2 of the 3 of the people involved in these stories could potentially be reading this, and I don't want them to think any of this was their fault.) I'm just trying to make sense of my seizures, and analyze the one thing that I have failed to analyze all these years.


Resolution

So what's the solution to all of this? Well, for now it's medication. I was on one medication (Tegretol) for over 20 years. It wasn't until last year, when I finally came off of it, that I realized how much it was hindering my thought process. But I think that's why it worked so well. It stopped me from pulling in these details quite as fast, and it also slowed down the process of analyzing the details. But as well as the pulling in and analyzing trivial details, it hindered all of my thoughts. It sometimes stopped me from pulling in necessary details, which is why I had a tough time grasping some concepts (like center of mass in physics.)

Now we're trying other medications which have less effect on my thought process, but so far they don't seem to work as well. I think this is because of the fact that they don't effect my thought process. My thought process needs to be manipulated in order for the flow to continue uninterrupted.

Long term, however, I think there is a better solution than medication. I need to learn how to control this process that is going on in the background. I need to learn to never stop processing the information no matter what the circumstances. I need to learn how to free my mind of the "clogs". (Get some mind Drano.) Somehow, some way, I need to learn to control my mind in a way that I can still think clearly, but also control the processing of those thoughts. I'm sure that I can do it. I just need to start by focusing on gathering more data on myself instead of my surroundings, then I need do a bit more analysis on that data.

Ramblings about my epilepsy

This is something I wrote the night before having that last partial seizure a couple weeks ago. I never published it because I was still writing. But I think this is enough for now.

This and the part that says "UPDATE:" were added tonight... after the initial writing.

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Not many people look at me and immediately think "there's Randy, he has epilepsy." But truth is... I think about it every day.


I'm forced to think about it - I take medicine twice a day.

I choose to think about it - I have this internal need to know how and why things are the way they are... and this is the one case where I have no idea. So I am constantly analyzing myself. Studying my own behavior, noticing my body's reaction to certain situations, and my own conscious reactions to situations.

I need to think about it - I want to always make sure that I'm safe in any situation that life throws at me. Therefore, when I'm driving I'm often thinking "what would I do if I had a seizure right now?" When I'm at work I'm thinking "What would the people around me do if I was to have a seizure right now?" and when some external stimulus is thrown my way that I'm not used to, and I suddenly feel a sensation that I'm not used to, I'm forced to think "is this an aura, or is it something else?"

I'm a better person for thinking about it - I am constantly trying to improve myself, to prove to others that I can do just as much as they can... and in many cases, more than they can. Not because of my epilepsy, but despite my epilepsy. I've said before, that I use it as driving a force. I push myself to prove to myself and others that I can and will thrive in life.



Most people don't realize how often I have to remind myself that I have epilepsy. Or how many times life chooses to throw me a subtle reminder.

Since my seizure last summer, I have been aware of every little unexpected movement in my body. It was the first time I had ever had a partial seizure. The first time that I was conscious and aware of EVERYTHING despite the fact that I couldn't completely control the right side of my body.

Since then, I have had a couple of occasional muscle twitches. Probably nothing unusual... the muscle is overworked, or something moved just right in there to force it to move unexpectedly. But every time that happens, I do a full inspection of myself. Not physically, mentally. I think - is there anything truly unusual going on, or is this just a muscle twitch? What do I need to do in this particular moment if this is an oncoming seizure? Did I have an aura and not recognize it as such?

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UPDATE: I now think that some of these may have been partial seizures. Probably not all of them, but at least a few. Especially any that may have been preceded by a ringing in my right ear

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Most of you reading this have no idea what it's like to have such thoughts, and you never will. However, this is my daily life. So much so that these thoughts just happen out of instinct. I don't make a conscious decision anymore to think about my surrounding and analyze my best option in the event that a seizure were to occur, I just go through that thought process out of pure habit. Almost like you might walk into a room and take off your shoes, or hang up your coat. I walk into a room and make a complete assessment of my surroundings. I come up with a plan of where to go, or who to talk to if something happens, and I put forth no actual effort in doing so... it just happens naturally.



The craziest thing about all of this... I don't even have very active seizures. I am forced to think about my epilepsy multiple times a day, and seizures aren't even a very active part of my life. I can't imagine this process in someone who does have active seizures.

Or maybe it's just me and my crazy brain. I am a very detail oriented, very logical, and process oriented. If I don't have a process to follow, I create one. And that's what I've done here. I've created a process to keep myself safe in every possible situation, in every possible location. But of course, no process is flawless. If some very real danger were to present itself, I may not be able to keep myself safe even without having a seizure.

The Interview

Some of you may have seen on my social networks that I went to the gym Friday. I went to the gym for a few reason:

1. I go to the gym at the college that I attended, which is about 20 minutes away from my house. I got the membership there because I get an alumni discount, and it was about 3 minutes away from work before I got laid off. (Unfortunately, I renewed my membership 2 days prior to being laid off.)
2. I was in the area, because I had an interview about 5-10 minutes away from campus.
3. The interview left a VERY sour taste in my mouth.

I was EXTREMELY upset when I left that interview. Normally, if I leave an interview upset it's because I messed up (or I think in my mind that I messed up.) There was something that I said or did that I realized later was a bad choice, and I think that it had a negative effect on my interview. This was not this case this time.

Truly, I went into this interview not expecting much. After talking on the phone, it didn't seem like the job was a good fit, but it was my first scheduled interview since getting laid off so I figured I'd go anyway. Who knows, maybe I get a different vibe from an interview than I do from a phone conversation. 

I did get a different vibe, but my impression of the individual who interviewed me (and called me) was actually made worse, which I didn't think was possible.

As I said, I knew this wasn't an interview that I thought would go well. It was for an IT job - desktop support position - which is basically what I've been doing for the past 10 years or so, so that part was fine. The bad part came in when the person told me that they have one IT person, and this person works part time. This person was not going to be around anymore, so they wanted me to take his/her spot and work half-time as an IT person and half-time as a front desk type of person. Not really what I want to do, but I kinda need something right now.

So I get to the interview. First of all, this guy said about 20 times in the interview that he could not believe that my former company had 3 people in IT for the amount of employees they have. "We have one guy part time, and 50 employees, I don't see why they needed 3 people." Literally, I heard almost those exact words at least 10 times in less than an hour.

Then he starts asking me about the programming background that I have on my resume, to which I respond "it's a hobby of mine that I do on the side" and explain to him some of my programs.

so he says "how can this be of use to us?"

"Well, I do a lot of scripting as well, so I could possibly automate some of the repetitive tasks that are done by writing a script to do the task for you."

"Well how do I know that you aren't going to leave us for some start-up company, and become the next Zuckerberg?"

...now I'm kind of upset, but remaining calm...

I'm not quite sure how I worded it, but I explained to him that although I have skills in programming, my skills are not quite good enough for most corporate uses, and that programming isn't really what I want to do all day.

So now, after already feeling like he's trying to make my skills sound useless, and make it sound like my workload is overestimated, he decides to take me on an office tour. Step one on the office tour, the office next to his - where he successfully introduces me by the wrong name. To make it worse, he introduced me as Jason.... Jason is my older brother. People used to call me Jason ALL THE TIME in high school, and it seems as if I've been living in my older brother's shadow my entire life. So, even though he likely had no idea, that REALLY hit the wrong chord. (I obviously corrected him.)

Begin 30 minute conversation with this person... about nothing. About how she is not an IT person, and cannot handle the "dangerous" tasks, and blah, blah, blah.

Tour continues. He's trying to introduce me to people, but most of them are not there for some reason, and some are out for a smoke break. As two of them come in from the smoke break, he stops one of them and talks to him about some drawing that he needs a copy of, and something that needs to be sent out... 15 minutes later, we're leaving this person's cubicle. Never even introduced me. Oh well. Just seems kind of disrespectful to waste so much of someone's time who is interviewing to work for your company.

Next stop - the print room. Where he starts questioning my abilities. He says "Well, we have <X machine> would you be able to work on that?" 

My response - "Well I haven't worked with that exact model, but I've worked with similar machines, so I'm sure I could handle most problems with it. And anything I can't handle immediately would only take a small amount of online research into the specifics of this model."

"Oh, so you couldn't handle this if it breaks down?"

"Yes, I could, at most it would take a few minutes of research to fix it."

Is it just me, or do all of his responses sound demeaning and condescending?

And last but not least - the server room... which is a closet... with 2 servers... and a box fan blowing on them for cooling. Yeah. That's about all I've got there. (Meanwhile, he continued the whole bit about questioning my abilities to handle their phone system and some other menial tasks.)

Now back to his office, where he can once again make it look like this place truly needs only 1/2 of an IT person, and he can tell me that he doesn't want to pay me like an IT person because I'll be doing front desk work 1/2 time.

So yeah, needless to say, I was pretty upset by the time I walked out of this place. I went to the gym partly because I felt like I was just thrown into a pit of high school bullies, and needed to blow off some steam. I will not be accepting THAT job, even if it is offered to me. 

And just as a closing remark: if you want someone to take your company and your interview seriously, try treating them with at least a tiny bit of respect.

A Note to Onlookers

Yesterday after work I went to Walmart to do some shopping before heading home. On my way into the store, I saw an elderly lady on the ground, seemingly in some kind of trouble.

I know what you're thinking: "What did you do? Was she OK? What happened to her?"
The answer: I did nothing. I walked into Walmart and did my shopping. Was she OK? What happened? I have no idea, and probably never will.

Why did I do what I did? Because I quickly assessed the situation and realized that it was already under control.


Background:
For those of you who don't know me and haven't been following this blog, almost 28 years ago I was born with epilepsy. Now, you're probably thinking "What does that have to do with this situation?" and I'm going to say it has a whole lot to do with situation. Or more accurately, it has a lot to do with how I reacted to the situation.

I've been in this woman's shoes. (Obviously not literally.) I've been in a public place with people staring, doing nothing productive, quietly saying to each other "What happened? What's wrong with him? Is he going to be OK? Oh my!"

All that this behavior does is upset/embarrass/confuse the person who is already in an awkward situation, and disrupt the lives of everyone else in the area. Especially in my case: I wake up not knowing where I am, or why I was unconscious, or what happened, or who was there when it happened, or who is there now... that extra commotion just leads to extra confusion.



Back on track:
In the case of what happened yesterday, there were all sorts of people looking in on this situation in the exit/entrance of the store.

Why didn't I stop? As I said... I took a look around and noticed a few things:

1. The woman was not alone. Her family (or what appeared to be her family) was with her.
2. A person of authority was present: in this case, a store employee
3. The family was calm and not asking for help. This tells me that they probably already have all the help they need.

Basically, there was nothing that I could do that had not already been done. The family knew about the situation, the store knew about the situation, and if more help needs to be called the store will do that.

I did my shopping, cashed out, and returned to the place where I entered the store. What did I find? An even larger crowd had gathered, paramedics were there, with a stretcher and an ambulance just outside the door. Again, nothing productive that I can do. My only choice is to keep moving, or add to the chaos that is already present in this situation. 

The only problem: The crowd had grown so much that I had to actually slide past someone to actually get out of the store. They were almost completely blocking the entrance/exit. THIS is where the onlookers truly transform from innocent bystanders, into a nuisance. They're no longer just annoying the person who has already had a bad enough day, but they're in the way of other people who are just trying to go on with their day, and they're possibly impeding the work of the paramedics and other authority figures. Plus, they're forcing an even larger crowd to form, because nobody can get through.

Conclusion:

Judging by what I saw, the woman probably is fine now. Who knows, maybe she had a seizure, or passed out, or slipped and fell... all I can tell is that there was no real panic or rush by the family or the paramedics. If it was a dire situation, the paramedics would have been in a (controlled) rush to get her on the stretcher and into the hospital so she could receive immediate attention. Since I did not see that, I can assume that the situation was not as bad as the crowd made it seem to be.

What should you do if put in this situation?

As I said, there are some key things to look for:

Main thing to look for: Is the person alone?
If yes:

1. Ask if they need help. If they are unconscious, call for help immediately.
1. If no help is needed, continue on with your day - forget about steps 2 and 3.
2. Stay with them as long as they need - if at all possible. At the very least, try to stay until help arrives.
3. Ask if there's anyone you can contact for them. Family, friends, significant other, etc.

If no:

1. Quickly assess the state of the people with them: 
1. Are they people of authority? This can be police/security, firefighter/paramedic, an employee/manager of a store or facility, etc.
1. If yes, there's probably nothing you can do. If not, maybe you can call someone.
2. Are they family/friends of the "victim"? (victim, for lack of a better word)
1. If yes, Are they calm?
1. If they're calm, the situation is likely under control. If you feel like it's necessary, ask if you can help in any way. If they say no, continue on with your day.
2. If they're not calm, see instructions for if person is alone.
2. If not family/friend, and no people of authority, see instructions for if person is alone.

This is obviously just a BASIC breakdown of how you should deal with a situation like this. I'm sure that there's more that I may be leaving out. In the end it breaks down to this: if the situation is under control, sticking around is not helping. If it's not under control, check to see if you can be of assistance.

If you have medical training - are a doctor, nurse, paramedic, etc. - you may want to stop, regardless of the situation, and ask if you can help in any way. Otherwise, you are likely just going to get in the way in many cases.