Pain is the such a crazy thing. There's physical pain, emotional pain, and mental pain. All of those things can add up to one of two things: motivation or devastation. If you're a strong person, pain will motivate you beyond belief. Motivation to be better, motivation to feel better, motivation to do better. If you're not so strong, pain will bring you down and eventually destroy you. It adds up, leading to even more emotional and mental pain, which ends up in a downward spiral that is nearly impossible to escape.
Today was a painful day. Right from the get-go I was beating myself up with some old memories that I just couldn't get out of my head. Trying to push some things out of my head, and out of my past. I was fighting these thoughts all day. Already emotionally draining.
Then 9:30 or so comes around, and I feel my right calf tightening. I didn't feel this one coming, but I knew what was next. I tried to loosen it up, move my leg around and at least stop the pain for a bit. Then the tapping started. And it got quicker, and quicker, until it got hard to control. As usual, this uncontrolled tapping leads to pain and fatigue in my leg, and is starting to drain my energy.
Ed asks me to go install some software at someone's desk while this seizure is going on. He doesn't know that I'm having a seizure, but I am. Now I have to control my leg enough to walk, which just causes it to hurt even more. I'm physically exhausted, and my calf is killing me.
I get the install done, walk/limp back to my desk, and now I need to call someone and do a remote install of a printer. I'm on the phone, still mid-seizure, trying to give him instructions to get this remote session going. My mind is not quite working at 100%, because it's still seizing, so I'm slowly going through this process, forcing my mind to work enough to get through this. My slow thought process leads to slowly forming sentences, and therefor slow instructing.
My fingers aren't quite doing what I need them to do... they're hitting the wrong keys, double pressing keys, skipping letters, and for some reason I tend to reverse letters a lot when I type mid-seizure, which means I'm constantly backspacing and correcting mistakes. A half hour later, I get through what probably should have been a 10-minute or less job.
I sat there and waited out the rest of the seizure. After the leg stopped (almost 11:00) my head was still in a bit of a fog for about another hour, maybe more. Meanwhile, I'm internally debating a somewhat awkward decision that I'm going to be forced to make soon (which I can't go into much detail about) when someone comes to talk to me. This just inadvertently, and unknowingly, makes that decision even more awkward. Between pushing through the seizure and this awkward moment, suddenly I'm mentally exhausted as well.
Now I have a decision to make: am I going to let this push me forward, or is it going to push me down? Years ago it would have pushed me down, and I would have stayed down for quite some time. But being the person that I have come to be, there was no decision to be made. I not only let it push me forward, I forced it to push me forward. On my way home I listened to some of the most infuriating, most energetic, and most scream my head off music that I have. Suddenly, all of this pain has turned into pure energy. Energy fueled by hatred, confusion, neglect, despair, and any other negative feeling you could ever imagine.
I took all of this energy to the gym, and I ran. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I pushed that painful, exhausted right calf to its breaking point. I pushed until there was nothing left to push. I left all of that pure negative energy on the track, and suddenly there's nothing left; no energy at all. But as the energy slowly returns, it's not negative energy. I've just overcome a huge obstacle, and it feels good.
The thing is, my leg still hurts; It hurts more now than it did before going to the gym. Those memories are still there, and they always will be. That decision still needs to be made, and it will remain that way for some time. But I no longer care. I left it all behind, at least for now. It's all back at the gym until I have the time and energy to fight each one of those things individually. And when I do that, that's when amazing things happen.
So next time you have a painful day, ask yourself one thing: am I going to let this bring me down, or is it going to push me forward? If you decide to let it push you forward, some of that pain may still be there (like my leg pain.) Let that remaining pain push you even more. Turn that pain into energy again tomorrow, and the next day, and the rest of the week. You'll find yourself climbing a mountain instead of being stuck in a downward spiral.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
It's been a while
It's been a while since I've blogged, so I think I'm overdue for an update.
I've been working on improving myself in every way - Personally, physically, professionally, medically, everything.
As most of you know I've been fighting to control the simple partial seizures that I've been having, and unfortunately I've been losing that fight. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to give up, I never give up. I'm increasing the dosage of my Lamictal (tripling it actually, over the next month and a half to 2 months ish) and I'm documenting everything that I can - seizure dates/times, duration, intensity, details of the seizure, details of the aura, everything I can think of. I will win this fight, it just might take some time.
Physically, I'm making HUGE strides. I'm down 30 pounds in roughly 6 months. People are starting to actually see a difference, and noticing that I have lost weight. Looking at the picture that they took of me my first day at eHealth (roughly 6 months ago) I can see chub in my face that isn't there anymore. I look and feel awesome. I'm starting to look like my high school self again. I've still got a ways to go before I look quite that good, but I'm well on my way.
I've lost so much that the HR person at work actually said to me "You look like you've lost a lot of weight" and I told her "Yeah, I've been eating healthier and I've been at the gym at least 2-3 days a week since I started here" and she responded "Good, I was afraid that something else was going on, but I'm glad to hear that it's intentional." - she actually thought that my weight loss was because of some medical issues. It's good news that it's not, but it's also good news that I'm losing enough weight to create that kind of concern!
Professionally, I'm working on making some changes to some of my existing apps (mostly Auto Respond) and I'm working on a huge project with some friends and my brother which will include an app, a website, and eventually some servers to push data to the app and website. I'm looking into making "Fifteen 15 Studios" an official company - probably starting with a DBA and moving forward from there - and if you didn't notice I'm officially changing the name from "1515 Studios" to "Fifteen 15 Studios" at the same time. The only decision I need to make now is to include a space in the official name or not - "Fifteen 15 Studios" or "Fifteen15 Studios". I've got some people working on logos and icons and things of the sort for both Fifteen 15 Studios and the new app/website. I've got a non-disclosure and non-compete agreement ready for when the business is official, and I might have some changes coming soon in my "day job" too; Details of which will hopefully be made public soon.
Personally, well all of this is just making me a better person, even the seizures. They have taught me, once again, to never take anything for granted. They have taught me how to fight through anything in life. They have taught me that I can work through them, and through any other fight that I may come across, regardless of how physically, mentally, and emotionally draining it may be. They have taught me that 7 years seizure free does not mean that they are gone forever. They have taught me what medicine can do to you, especially when you're on it your whole life and don't know what it's like to not be on it; And that has taught me how incredible my brain truly is when it's not bogged down by medication.
Plus I'm getting back into cheer, which I love. Starting with going to RIT's practices again, and hopefully joining a team again next year (most likely Core Athletix.) I'd like to start back into cheering regardless of the state of my seizures. I'm trying my best to train through the seizures, both literally and figuratively. I want to be able to have a seizure on a competition mat, and finish the routine despite the seizure. I want to be able to be sore from a seizure, whether it happened and hour ago or a day ago, and still be able to do anything that I need to do. I want to become physically and mentally strong enough that I can deal with anything, anywhere, and pushing through these seizures, the med changes, and pushing myself at practices and at the gym will force me to do that.
I am becoming the person that I was 10 years ago, only better, and that's an awesome person to be!
I've been working on improving myself in every way - Personally, physically, professionally, medically, everything.
As most of you know I've been fighting to control the simple partial seizures that I've been having, and unfortunately I've been losing that fight. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to give up, I never give up. I'm increasing the dosage of my Lamictal (tripling it actually, over the next month and a half to 2 months ish) and I'm documenting everything that I can - seizure dates/times, duration, intensity, details of the seizure, details of the aura, everything I can think of. I will win this fight, it just might take some time.
Physically, I'm making HUGE strides. I'm down 30 pounds in roughly 6 months. People are starting to actually see a difference, and noticing that I have lost weight. Looking at the picture that they took of me my first day at eHealth (roughly 6 months ago) I can see chub in my face that isn't there anymore. I look and feel awesome. I'm starting to look like my high school self again. I've still got a ways to go before I look quite that good, but I'm well on my way.
I've lost so much that the HR person at work actually said to me "You look like you've lost a lot of weight" and I told her "Yeah, I've been eating healthier and I've been at the gym at least 2-3 days a week since I started here" and she responded "Good, I was afraid that something else was going on, but I'm glad to hear that it's intentional." - she actually thought that my weight loss was because of some medical issues. It's good news that it's not, but it's also good news that I'm losing enough weight to create that kind of concern!
Professionally, I'm working on making some changes to some of my existing apps (mostly Auto Respond) and I'm working on a huge project with some friends and my brother which will include an app, a website, and eventually some servers to push data to the app and website. I'm looking into making "Fifteen 15 Studios" an official company - probably starting with a DBA and moving forward from there - and if you didn't notice I'm officially changing the name from "1515 Studios" to "Fifteen 15 Studios" at the same time. The only decision I need to make now is to include a space in the official name or not - "Fifteen 15 Studios" or "Fifteen15 Studios". I've got some people working on logos and icons and things of the sort for both Fifteen 15 Studios and the new app/website. I've got a non-disclosure and non-compete agreement ready for when the business is official, and I might have some changes coming soon in my "day job" too; Details of which will hopefully be made public soon.
Personally, well all of this is just making me a better person, even the seizures. They have taught me, once again, to never take anything for granted. They have taught me how to fight through anything in life. They have taught me that I can work through them, and through any other fight that I may come across, regardless of how physically, mentally, and emotionally draining it may be. They have taught me that 7 years seizure free does not mean that they are gone forever. They have taught me what medicine can do to you, especially when you're on it your whole life and don't know what it's like to not be on it; And that has taught me how incredible my brain truly is when it's not bogged down by medication.
Plus I'm getting back into cheer, which I love. Starting with going to RIT's practices again, and hopefully joining a team again next year (most likely Core Athletix.) I'd like to start back into cheering regardless of the state of my seizures. I'm trying my best to train through the seizures, both literally and figuratively. I want to be able to have a seizure on a competition mat, and finish the routine despite the seizure. I want to be able to be sore from a seizure, whether it happened and hour ago or a day ago, and still be able to do anything that I need to do. I want to become physically and mentally strong enough that I can deal with anything, anywhere, and pushing through these seizures, the med changes, and pushing myself at practices and at the gym will force me to do that.
I am becoming the person that I was 10 years ago, only better, and that's an awesome person to be!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
New Job and Moving
Job
As you may know, if you follow me on any type of social media, I started a new job on Wednesday.
I got laid off from my previous job on March 7th, and started the new job April 24th. Not too bad, if you ask me. Especially since I basically didn't lose any money. I received 2 weeks of severance pay and all of my unused vacation from my old job, which added up to about 6 weeks total.
I started the new job this week, which is pretty cool. It's a desktop support position, just like most of my previous jobs, so I will be mostly dealing with internal issues. The hours are a bit different than I'm used to, but it's not bad. 10:30am-7:30pm, with an hour lunch (usually around 2:00 or so.) Not nearly as bad as the 8pm-6:30am I was doing at the hospital, but different enough that it's throwing off my daily routine a bit. I'm sure I'll get used to that though.
The biggest thing right now is that I need to find time to go to the gym, which I generally like to do after work, but I'm so tired after work that I don't have any energy to go to the gym. Maybe I need to bring a healthy snack with me that I can eat an hour or so before I leave, to give me an energy boost.
Thursday I talked to my bosses about my epilepsy, and what to do if I have a seizure. They're going to pass the information on to a few other people who they feel should know. I gave them a copy of my "seizure first-aid" write-up, which they are going to forward to the people who need to know. (That document is available here if you want a copy of it.) It's just information that I copied and pasted directly from the web, formatted to fit on a single page, but it's information that the people that I work with closely should know.
My benefits start back up on the first, which is awesome. That means that I don't have go into debt to get my meds when I need a refill, and I don't need to worry as much if I need to see the doctor or dentist. I still need to setup my HSA though, and I need to wait 3 months before I can get into their 401k.
Moving
Now that I have a new job, I need to look for a new apartment. I need to be out of my current place by June 1st. (We put in the non-renewal notice the day that I got laid off... just my luck, right?) I now have proof of income, which is required to get a place, I just need to find a place that is affordable and available.
I kinda want to live by myself for a while. I've actually never lived alone before, I've always either lived with family or a roommate(s). I know it'll probably be a bit boring living alone but I want to try it out for a while, mostly just because I've never done it.
I'll probably end up getting a 2-bedroom, wherever I go, and put my weight bench and stereo in the second bedroom, along with some other random stuff that's currently in my bedroom that doesn't need to be there. (My coin collection, a ton of Metallica swag, random computer parts, etc.) I basically want to turn the extra room into my "man cave". I'll probably put a table or something in there as an assembly/disassembly station for computers.
I'll probably only be there a year or two, then I want to look into getting a town house. I was planning on getting a town house this year, but when I got laid off those plans changed. Now I'm gunna need to be in an apartment for at least another year, which is not the end of the world.
For those who are in the Rochester area, I'm looking to move out toward Brighton/Henrietta area. Right now I'm looking at the apartments across from MCC as my first choice, but they're a bit more expensive than I want to pay. Also, I know it's hard to find but, I want a place that I can have laundry in the unit. So far, all of the place that I have looked have some type of communal laundry room, where I have to pay per load. I could deal with that if necessary, but I'd rather not.
Conclusion
So that's about it for now. Life is a bit hectic right now, but things will calm down and return to normal soon. Right now I'm just enjoying the ride, and looking forward to the spring/summer weather :-)
TL;DR
Got a new job, looking for a new apartment, enjoying life.
As you may know, if you follow me on any type of social media, I started a new job on Wednesday.
I got laid off from my previous job on March 7th, and started the new job April 24th. Not too bad, if you ask me. Especially since I basically didn't lose any money. I received 2 weeks of severance pay and all of my unused vacation from my old job, which added up to about 6 weeks total.
I started the new job this week, which is pretty cool. It's a desktop support position, just like most of my previous jobs, so I will be mostly dealing with internal issues. The hours are a bit different than I'm used to, but it's not bad. 10:30am-7:30pm, with an hour lunch (usually around 2:00 or so.) Not nearly as bad as the 8pm-6:30am I was doing at the hospital, but different enough that it's throwing off my daily routine a bit. I'm sure I'll get used to that though.
The biggest thing right now is that I need to find time to go to the gym, which I generally like to do after work, but I'm so tired after work that I don't have any energy to go to the gym. Maybe I need to bring a healthy snack with me that I can eat an hour or so before I leave, to give me an energy boost.
Thursday I talked to my bosses about my epilepsy, and what to do if I have a seizure. They're going to pass the information on to a few other people who they feel should know. I gave them a copy of my "seizure first-aid" write-up, which they are going to forward to the people who need to know. (That document is available here if you want a copy of it.) It's just information that I copied and pasted directly from the web, formatted to fit on a single page, but it's information that the people that I work with closely should know.
My benefits start back up on the first, which is awesome. That means that I don't have go into debt to get my meds when I need a refill, and I don't need to worry as much if I need to see the doctor or dentist. I still need to setup my HSA though, and I need to wait 3 months before I can get into their 401k.
Moving
Now that I have a new job, I need to look for a new apartment. I need to be out of my current place by June 1st. (We put in the non-renewal notice the day that I got laid off... just my luck, right?) I now have proof of income, which is required to get a place, I just need to find a place that is affordable and available.
I kinda want to live by myself for a while. I've actually never lived alone before, I've always either lived with family or a roommate(s). I know it'll probably be a bit boring living alone but I want to try it out for a while, mostly just because I've never done it.
I'll probably end up getting a 2-bedroom, wherever I go, and put my weight bench and stereo in the second bedroom, along with some other random stuff that's currently in my bedroom that doesn't need to be there. (My coin collection, a ton of Metallica swag, random computer parts, etc.) I basically want to turn the extra room into my "man cave". I'll probably put a table or something in there as an assembly/disassembly station for computers.
I'll probably only be there a year or two, then I want to look into getting a town house. I was planning on getting a town house this year, but when I got laid off those plans changed. Now I'm gunna need to be in an apartment for at least another year, which is not the end of the world.
For those who are in the Rochester area, I'm looking to move out toward Brighton/Henrietta area. Right now I'm looking at the apartments across from MCC as my first choice, but they're a bit more expensive than I want to pay. Also, I know it's hard to find but, I want a place that I can have laundry in the unit. So far, all of the place that I have looked have some type of communal laundry room, where I have to pay per load. I could deal with that if necessary, but I'd rather not.
Conclusion
So that's about it for now. Life is a bit hectic right now, but things will calm down and return to normal soon. Right now I'm just enjoying the ride, and looking forward to the spring/summer weather :-)
TL;DR
Got a new job, looking for a new apartment, enjoying life.
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